 |
| Our First Family Portrait on Wenxin's Original Gotcha Day Back in 2010 |
"Hey Mom, do you know about Gotcha Day?"
Thank you very much, Netflix. Somewhere, in Wenxin's daily consumption of Disney sitcoms, he happened on an adoption-themed show. And one of the characters let the cat out of the bag about Gotcha Day.
"It's for adopted kids. It's a day to celebrate the day you adopted me -- kind of like a birthday."
Gotcha Day. Sounds good to Wenxin, but you might want to know that not everyone's a fan.
Well, for one, some people seem to object to the cutesy name. The word, gotcha, conjures up images of childless parents snatching or acquiring children. You know, "Gotcha!" For folks who cringe at the term, Gotcha Day, many simply change the name to Family Day or Adoption Day. Problem solved.
But for others the issue is deeper. Here are some comments from adult adoptees I found by doing a quick search of adoption message boards.
I was adopted as an infant but back in my day (lol) the term "Gotcha Day" hadn't yet evolved (thank God). I do think that "Adoption Day" would be a more respectful term.
I personally felt an added pressure to "perform" because I was a "chosen child". It felt a little bit like I was acquired to fill the space in my family that needed to be filled. I was loved and cherished, but it did not erase that fact. Celebrating "Gotcha Day" would have probably made that feeling even worse. Adoptive parents (even on this forum) seem so eager and desperate to find a child (being honest here) to love. And yes, I can understand that. But coming from the other end of that love, I'd just say be extra careful. Celebrate that child's full heritage, and let him/her acknowledge the truths and reality that they are separated from their biological identity, family, and heritage. Adoption involves loss, and when we enforce a "celebration" around it, I personally believe it tells that child it's not safe or right to feel any feelings other than positive. Then when the child grows up they have to revisit their entire reality. Just my opinion.
From another adult adoptee:
I'm going to be a bit more blunt. I think the idea of celebrating a "Gotcha" day or "Adoption day" is one of the more ridiculous ideas I've yet heard. I don't intend to offend anyone, but as an adoptee, I would have dreaded such a day every year. My thoughts would have been along the lines of -
"You want me to celebrate the fact that someone gave me away?"
Another individual suggests that the age of the adopted child makes a big difference:
When I was really young, I was "proud" to have been adopted and think I really would have enjoyed the formal celebration. I'm certain, however, that I would have wanted no part of it by the time I reached about 11 or 12.
Hmmm. . .That's a lot to think about. Adoption always looks a little different from the eyes of the adopted child.
But while I'd love to say that our lack of celebration surrounding Wenxin's Gotcha Day has been the result of careful thought given to the pros and cons and long-term effects of such celebrations, that would be a tad untrue. While I have definitely been influenced by listening to adult adoptees, the honest truth is that I have four children, and I'm just not sure I can add one more celebration to my already overflowing plate.
I've noticed that, as a mom, there's a rhythm to my year. And every year, from September to the beginning of March, I run a gauntlet. It starts with Julia's birthday and continues on to the Chinese Moon Festival, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Nathan's Birthday, Christmas, Wenxin's Birthday, New Years, Chinese New Year, Valentines, and finally, Katherine's Birthday. The thought of inserting one more holiday to this list is exhausting. Enough special food. Enough presents. Enough gift bags. Enough!
And then, because I have three biological kids and one adopted child, I definitely don't want to make it kind of like another birthday, as Wenxin inferred from the Disney show. I'm pretty happy with each child, bio or adopted, getting celebrated on their one special day each year.
I promise I'm not a lazy mom. I am, however, a fairly tired one.
Recently, Wenxin and I revisited the topic of Gotcha Day. I explained to him why the term, gotcha, made me a little uncomfortable.
"Oh, I see," he said. And then he thought for a moment. "I know what we can call it."
"What?" I asked.
"We could call it GOT YOU Day."
Yeah. . . I'm pretty sure he's just in it for the presents.
So what do you do in your family? Gotcha Day. Yea or Nay? Shared at We Are That Family.
 |
| Coming July 1 |
As an adoptee myself, I can't explain the severe reaction I had to this concept when I first heard of it. I was suddenly extremely angry! I couldn't put it into words. Now I can only say that I am truly happy that this wasn't a thing when I was little and that my parents never celebrated such a "holiday." I just know that they "got me" one day in November, sometime in the one-month range after my birth. I know I've heard the date, but don't remember it. It wasn't significant to me, and for that I'm thankful. Adoptees go through many phases of understanding and emotion as they grow up and I'm glad I didn't have to add this to my list of things to sort out in my brain... I could go on and on about why! But I'll stop now haha. (Maybe that's for another blog post of my own...? Maybe later.)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I think it's fine for you to not celebrate on top of all of your other holidays/birthdays. In a way, it could make your bio children feel less important in a way if Wenxin got 2 special days instead of 1 like them.
Em, if you do decide to write a blog post on this, make sure to let me know, in case I don't see it. And thank you so much for commenting.I can't say it enough. Adoptive parents need to listen to adopted adults. We need you.
DeleteWe are currently in the process of adopting and my biological children have expressed they do not want our family to celebrate gotcha day because theyvfeel it would be unfair to them. My oldest son who is 14 said that our new child has a birthday nd that is what we should celebrate. This makes me hink more on the sitation. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI think my bio kids would like it -- at first. They are super excited to have a brother through adoption. But year after year. . . I'm pretty sure someone would eventually get tired of Wenxin being "celebrated" twice as much as the rest of them.
DeleteWhen you first adopt, it's so much about the process, the adoption. So, for us, all of that was so fresh on our minds, we wanted to celebrate the day we brought our precious child home. (She was an infant, btw.) We never called it Gotcha Day, instead we referred to it as Happy Homecoming day. So, for about 3 or 4 years we would buy a little cake and tell our daughter it was the happiest day of our lives, which it was and still is! But, we began to think about the fact that we were focusing on the fact that she was adopted, and we were making it a big deal every year on this date. When, in reality we wanted her and ourselves to just focus on the fact that we were a family...forever! It didn't matter how she joined our family, it only mattered that she was with us always. So, we don't "shine a light" annually on that day in the form of a celebration, but we hold it close in our hearts and always mention to one another how truly special that day was for us. I never want our daughter to feel like we "got" her. She was given to us from God above and he planned for us to be together.
ReplyDeleteI love this perspective. Thanks for sharing.
DeleteOur son is older (9 now, 6 at adoption) and he is very happy to celebrate "Forever Family Day", our families term. For him he was leaving a bad/hard place that caused a lot of trauma. He is very happy to be a part of this family and is actually fearful that something would change that. So we celebrate our children and they we met and became a family. Our children know that they are adopted and are at this time both okay with it. Time will tell as they age what they are comfortable with and will make changes accordingly. We usually have a dinner that they request and maybe an ice cream cone - but no presents. Our family is a gift and we talk about that a lot.
ReplyDeleteI think that making it a low-key celebration is wise. That way it is remembered and celebrated, but hopefully without putting unintentional pressure on the adopted child.
ReplyDeleteAfter our first adoption, we celebrated "Adoption Day" for a few years. Then, like you, it sort of became a lot to keep track of with multiple birthdays and adoption days. The "Gotcha Day" phrase didn't ever sound quite right to me and kind of feels like it goes along with the whole "rescue the orphan" debate. As my kids have gotten older, for them it clearly wasn't a reason to celebrate but we do have a dinner time conversation about how many years it has been which then often turns into very healthy conversation fielding the inevitable "why, how, and when" questions.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting, Jennifer. I thought about your family as I was writing and wondered how you handled this.
DeleteWe are coming up on our 2nd family day. We had no desire to make this a big production and kept it just us. We did get a small cake and we got each of our 4 kids (3bio and 1 adopted) a silver charm with their names in Chinese. They LOVED it. I had not really given year 2 much thought except that if we do something it will be low key. No bells and whistles. It is interesting how I felt this was something we needed to share together but did not feel good about inviting the whole clan of family and friends. Thank you for bringing this up, I will definitely be discussing this with the hubby before our 2nd family day.
ReplyDeleteJealous of the silver charms with names in Chinese! I would love those. And I think it's wonderful that you gave each child a meaningful gift, not just singling out the adopted child, making it a true Family Day.
DeleteI remember a story someone(cant remember who) told about the bio kid wanting a "gotcha day" and they celebrate the day found out about the pregnancy. :) We celebrate (Matt always likes an excuse for giving a gift)because it was a happy day. Having been a baby, Sam doesn't think about it in terms of her loss. Really, the loss happened months earlier.
ReplyDeleteOh Marcy - that is a super sweet idea -- celebrating the bio kid's "we found out we were pregnant day." But I can almost guarantee that family only had two kids! I just can't see adding three "we found out we were pregnant days" to my calendar for the same reason we don't celebrate half birthdays. Down side of living in a larger family. (Don't really think our family is all that large, but that's a matter of opinion.)
DeleteWe have 6 adopted children who look forward to their Family Day as we call it. We recognize what day it is at breakfast with a small item that we picked up from them, mostly while we were in China (something like a string bracelet, a book or a jade cross necklace). Then they get to choose the menu for dinner that night. It is fairly low key, but definitely something our kids want. They were all adopted older and remember their lives in both places so perhaps that is part of it. They range from 6 to 15 now. They have chosen to keep track of how many years it has been and know that this family is forever...even when mom and dad are gone.
ReplyDeleteBrandy (brandy009@centurytel.net
Six separate Family Days? You are amazing!
DeleteFor us, we don't celebrate "gotcha" like a birthday, but we have remembered them, especially the first year home as such a special milestone. Over time, it will likely not be highlighted unless brought up by my children, but may also be referenced at any time when we talk about the day we first met each other. And this is another area where each family is unique and hopefully knows and senses their child's feelings. It's on my calendar to remember personally, and although we won't make a big deal like a birthday, I will always share with my children my joy of seeing them face to face for the first time...in the same exact way that I felt seeing my bio children's face for the first time the day they were born. I will also acknowledge over time and tellings the emotions they must have had at that time. We've made a very short 90 second "gotcha day" video for each child capturing the moment, and each child loves watching it and seeing me give them their stuffed lovies which they play with and sleep with to this day. My bio kids asked if I could make them a "gotcha" video, and I said...Sure! I would love to do that as soon as I can find those VHS tapes and have them converted them to digital! ;-)
ReplyDeleteOne of the things that boggles my mind is which day to celebrate - exactly. The day we picked him up at the orphanage? The day we flew home and met up with our other kids? I kind of think more about his adoption month -- since we spent almost 3 weeks in September in China. We definitely remember each year and talk about it. We just haven't made an event of it. I like a lot of the ideas being shared here.
ReplyDeleteWe met our son (9-adopted form US foster care) on his 7th birthday, so I think there will always be a mention of that as we celebrate his birthday. For him, it's positive thing.
ReplyDeleteThe following year, we had his adoption ceremony in January and the judge actually told him that we would need to celebrate with a cake each year! This past January, we has a little party with a few friends and a cake. It was great for our son--he's very social and loves attention. We did get him an (educational) gift and a couple friend brought a little present. I tried to stress that we wouldn't necessarily have gifts or do the same thing each year, besides cake, and I expect he won't want to as a teenager.
Our bio children a re a lot older (21, 18 and 16) so they understand that he has different needs so no problems there. I think this is another of those things that's very personal for each family. I could see how it could be very stressful or painful for some. Also, I don't like the name Gotcha Day. We just called it his Adoption Birthday or Anniversary.
We celebrate our twins' "Adoption Day" as the day we went to court in Russia and got to go to the orphanage to get them. We've kept the focus more on remembering their Russian heritage. We eat a Russian meal and, for the first few years, gave them little Russian gifts we had picked up. We also try to look at pictures or video from that time. At age 10 now (adopted at 1), they still look forward to this day. Even though their younger brother is not adopted, he has not seemed bothered by this celebration. We just keep it low-key, and will continue to evaluate each year.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is 7 and was adopted 5 years ago from central China with Cleft lip/palate. We do not celebrate Gotcha Day. It creates tremendous stress and anxiety in our daughter. The very first year we tried to celebrate it, the day coincided with a business trip of my husbands. The morning of Gotcha Day we were talking about driving my husband to the airport when suddenly our little daughter asked us if that was the day we were taking her back to China!! I was horrified. In her little mind she had confused all of these things together. We instead try to observe Chinese New Year because those days are fairly close to each other.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I brought our daughter home from China in April. Here is an excerpt he wrote from our blog describing his feelings on what this day should be called. I enjoy your blog, Dana, and thank you for sharing your experiences!
ReplyDelete"My coworker and I discussed how acceptable words and phrases in our language are always changing, and we speculated that years from now someone will find that phrase inappropriate like I do and it will be called something else. We then went to thinking about what else it could be called.
The best I could come up with was "Worth"day. It is nice that it rhymes with birthday, and ultimately will be an anniversary to be celebrated like a birthday. But I like worthday, as I believe it is truly just that. God makes each of us with a tremendous amount of worth. When a sweet little one like Elora is abandoned, given up or left orphaned for some reason, it is a tremendous loss for the child and it is as though their worth as a child of God isn't being recognized. When a forever family comes along to love them as one of their own, they are recognizing the child's worth. After today, I understand even better the worth of each of God's children, and I am amazed at how awesome Elora is." -Greg Burwell
We went from no children to two 8-year olds from a Russian orphanage with the stroke of a pen. Since we didn't have bio children we didn't have to take that into consideration with our adoption day. We call it our "Family Day." Because it happened on July 4 we incorporated it into the national holiday by picking something to do as a family that was separate from everything else normally done on that day. For example, we'd go on a bike ride or go to the zoo before joining the rest of the country in bbq and fireworks. We never made it big, but we paused to remember the day we became a family. Now that our kids are grown, I'll still call them on the phone and say "Happy Family Day!"
ReplyDeleteWenxin is a lucky little boy!
ReplyDeleteI love Gotcha day. My children - all three sibs adopted as older children in international adoption - all love it. There is no pressure no weirdness. They watched their bio mom die, they lived hell and celebrate a new life. Birthdays for us are private, personal, sad as the kids are smart enough to know its about birth- and the special, amazing birth mother is in heaven. So Gotcha day is our day - we love it, we celebrate it, we live it. Don't generalize about this for every family
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a great read: http://redthreadbroken.wordpress.com/2013/11/08/whats-wrong-with-gotcha-day/
ReplyDeleteWe adopted our 2 children from Russia 7 years ago. They were almost 2 and 3 1/2 years old at the time. We have celebrated our "Gotcha Day" every year since with a small celebration of a special dinner and stories of anything/everything related to this. They love this day and look forward to it. Right now, they view it as a positive celebration. If this viewpoint ever changes, then naturally, this celebration would evolve with it. We celebrate their Russian heritage throughout the year, not just on this one, very special day.
ReplyDelete